A dark memory

4 min read

Well it's been a year. Two days before fathers day last year this time I was in the ER. I never wrote my story before because I don't like to remember that I like to pretend it never happened. This was my third pregnancy ( not expected)  and I was 39. I have two boys now 11 and 13. I always wanted a daughter and used to say if I don't have one by 40 I will adopt one. This was my daughter. I was so excited, but this pregnancy was different from the last two. I felt sick all the time. Morning sickness and I would catch everyone's stuff. The stomach flu and bad bronchitis. I felt sooo tired towards the end I couldn't get out of bed. Of course my DR said that's normal with pregnancy. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was allergic to our carpet in the bedroom and we changed it. Doctor said normal. I went to the hospital right before 38 weeks with pains and contractions and SOB. They sent me home. I was scheduled for an induction on week 39. I went in got pitocin and went into labor. Nothing progressed. Almost 18 hours later the dr said the baby not only didn't drop but moved back up. So emergency c-section. I was so scared. I had two vaginal births before. After I got the spinal my BP dropped low and I needed oxygen and whatever else to relieve it. After the section. I felt drained. I had no idea why anyone ever liked having one. I left the hospital a few days later feeling horrible. I swelled up so much. I paged my dr. The dr on call said it was normal after a c-section. I said I am sob and ginormous. He said np. So a few days later I went to my dr. She saw me and thought I had edema. Protein in my urine and high BP. Off to the ER. I was so confused. I got on the scale and weighed more than when I was pregnant. Then an x- ray, EKG and a worried looking dr. Who said I have preeclampsia. I was beyond scared. LASIK started and I peeded in a bed pan that overflowed off the bed every five minutes. I had fluid in my lungs. So I was admitted to ICU. That is when I panicked. ICU is for people that are dying. Why I am I going there? I just had a baby a week ago ? Why me? All I could think of was my two boys . My mom came soon and my boyfriend ( Peyton's dad) daughters name is Peyton. My ex husband is the father of my boys we were married 10 years. My bf I have known since middle school and we were all so worried and confused. This is the memory I have . Nurses that spoke with accents some nice some very nice. Hooked up feeling like I was an outlet. Magnesium which knocked me out. No answers just actions. Was woken up at like 2am for something called an echo. Which at the time didn't know what it was. The girl doing it looked worried and asked me if I was having a heart attack . Why would she think that? I freaked on her and she said I was gonna get her fired. I had to wait all day for results of whatever this was. Finally at around 6 ish I see a dr in jeans outside my room at the desk. He was on a phone call and very loud. It was a personal call talking about fathers day. Then he said the words that haunt me. I will be home soon I just have to go transfer this lady for heart surgery. I looked at my mom and said he's not talking about me? She said no you don't have a heart problem . Everything was a blur bc he walked into my room. I couldn't look anywhere but at my mom and just kept calling her name to make it better. He had a horrible bedside manner and said its not good. He said I had mitral valve regeratation. My ob disagreed and said I had a rare thing called ppm due to pregnancy. And I would recover . He argued with her and said it wasn't that and I needed to surgery. So I was transferred to a cardio unit at a bigger hospital. I had to wait days to get a cadiocath. They go in through your main artery and stick a microscope to your heart. I was still so sore from my section. I got shots in my stomach twice a day to prevent clots. So I went into the surgery room and the Cairo surgeon was so nice to me unlike the other dr. I remember praying and taking the twilight medicine. I looked at my heart and heard them talking saying who is the idiot dr that put this young woman on the table. He looked at me and said your gonna be fine hunny. You don't need surgery just medication and it will be ok. He said my EF was at 40 and I had very minimal leakage at best. He diagnosed me with mild ppcm. I felt so happy. I had to keep my leg straight for 6 hours to recover. I remember going he and then it got me. I had heart failure. I was so weak and the meds made me cough and tired. I had constant panic attacks and honestly thought it would come back. I weighed myself every morning praying I didn't gain any weight. I was afraid to eat anything. It took at least 3 months before I realized I was gonna be ok I would get better and I wasn't gonna die. My EF was at 53 a few months ago and my heart is back to normal. If I am ever sob I have anxiety. I remember feeling humiliated in the hospital like an animal. Exposed to everyone. Bruises all over from iv, going on a commode. Needing help for everything. The feeling of the unknown was the worst. I wish I had this group while in the hospital. I was so alone and thought I was gonna die. I never heard of any of this. The heart sisters are wonderful and have helped me in so many ways. I am much better at giving advice than following it. I can be positive for everyone else but myself. I thank God that I didn't need surgery and that I am alive. I have never been so scared I. My life. I would help anyone I could with this even for support. It's something more drs need to know about so it can be detected early. I know a lot of sistes have had worse stories and they ate my inspiration . Thank u ladies you mean so much to me :))))) xoxo

My Details

  • Date Diagnosed: 17/06/2011
  • Child: 3
  • Initial EF: 40
  • Current EF: 53-55

Story By Deana Losasso

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